Even then the enormity of the redemption of spring cannot truly be fully grasped.
This particular post has been a long time coming. It’s been ‘percolating’ (as Heather would say) in my head for days… weeks, even. Just like the seasons, much has changed since my last post… and then changed again, and then changed back. So many things that I assumed to be steadfast have proven not to be, which can be pretty rattling and provoke some serious soul-searching. Maybe I’m being a laughably typical 20-something, to talk about this crazy time of my life where the day-to-day is an unending rollercoaster ride. The reality of it, however, is that underneath an attempted facade of having it all together is a whole lot of self-doubt and sometimes crippling indecision.
In fact, sometime around this time last year I was riding literal roller coasters at the local amusement park, having a minor crisis of identity trying to decide what to do with my future. Namely, whether to go to law school in Australia or not. I eventually decided I wasn’t going to – it took me nearly an entire year to come back to the decision and reverse it. But it terrifies me, and as exciting and promising as this path for me may be, I wrestle daily with doubt and worry over the risks.
Does this mean I’m getting old? This newfound hesitation to uproot again, to seek out the next adventure? Or maybe it’s just that this time is farther away and for longer than any time before. Or maybe it’s because I am on the knife-edge of two incredibly different options for my life, and the decision for one side or the other cannot be (easily or cheaply) rescinded once made. My friends nearly all have settled down, with families and houses and careers. They may have undertaken large amounts of debt, too, but for mortgages–tangible, sheltering, shining models of utility–not for a piece of paper that may or may not guarantee said shelters, families or careers. I envy them. I admire them. But I am not them, nor they, me, so I must keep walking my own path and trusting that the God above has my life in His hands and under control and that He is bigger than my doubt and my inabilities and what I think my desires are or ought to be.
One thing I continually remind myeslf of to keep my sanity in this, is that there is not necessarily only one “right” path to take. Every choice alters the trajectory, whether microscopically or massively. Every option has its own set of hurdles, joys, challenges, mistakes and successes. There are entirely different groups of people to meet and new connections to make along each way.